I'm not sure if this is where this poem belongs. For some reason I've been inspired to write poetry as of late, and this is the only one I felt was worthy to post.
*********
My Greatest Joy
Messy hair
smelling of lavender.
Dimpled hands
hiding sparkling eyes.
Footed pajamas
and pink blankies.
A tiny tempo beating
peacefully with another.
Miniature smiles
rimmed with chocolate.
Wilted dandelion bouquets
given selflessly.
The musical
of joyous laughter.
A little voice confides,
"I love you, Mommy."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Lisa!
How adorable! This is a wonderful poem, and I cannot really critique it, because it's just terribly adorable. I can see this on a hallmark card or something.
I do agree with 'Rina! The best thing you can do for us and your poem is expand on these things, describe -- how do they make you feel? You've got sensory images down, but give us more, metaphors, images; lets us visualiiiiize everything that you're talking about here, and give us the tools to do it clearly...
... but, ah. This is lovely. *melts*
June
I take it your a mother? I wish my mom wrote me poetry.
This was so sweet, when it started I thought "another love poem? Please don't let someone break someone else's heart."
But as I got to the end, I was sure that was the nicest, sweetest thing ever written
Flawless imagery, perfect excecution, I loved it.
Are you sure you're an evil minion?
Besides that, I have nothing else to say.
Lots of nice imagery. It's easy to tell the poem focuses on it, and it leads well into the cute ending you put in. The "Wilted Bouquet of Dandylions Given Selflessly" is my favorite.
I can't say much to criticize this piece. It's length is perfect for what it's trying to accomplish, the punctuation placed perfectly, and no complex poetic acrobatics were attempted an failed. The piece is so pleasantly simple that there wasn't much you could screw up, so I've just gotta say...Good Job!!!
Eek! Cute poem! <3
The main thing I would do is to expand, expand, expand. Right now, it's like a bunch of snapshots in a photo album with no explanation describing what they are about. So yes, it's pretty, but without the stories that accompany those snapshots, they seem lacking. Don't be afraid to use conflict in poetry or to have some sort of driving force that propels the poem, like a story within the poem! Very often, great poems are the ones that have something else in them that makes us relate at once. Images are a good start... but the stories make it great.
Hope that helps!
I loved it !!!!!! It has a deep thing....Niceee
EDIT:
Hey,
Btw it's just a request !!! Can you read mines too ??? Especially "Love : you and him " "Dream or reality"
@_@
Thanks
Slandie